Short VS Long : Never be ashamed of your small tool

Again we are going through a tool misconception today, similar to the Big Tools Are Cool from last time. Today, the eternal debate : Short VS Long.

The German Qual der Wahl ! The agony of the choice. I love the brutal poetry of my mother tongue :-)

Even those would understand that a very heavy and massive tool is totally inconvenient can still think that a long handle is better than a short. And contrary to the fat and brutal sledge-hammer, the question here is a bit more tricky, because both are potentially useful.

A long handle can be good because it offers a double-handed grip and therefore more power in your strike. The blow is magnificent, the gesture very badass, like a Canadian metsämies killing a bear with one strike. 

The range is also a quality not to be overlooked, since it's always good to keep ghouls at arm's distance. Did you know that this is actually where the saying comes from ? During the Great Epidemic, people were taught never to trust any stranger since they could potentially be infected, and the ghouls being unable to use weapons, grabbing distance or "arm's distance" was safe enough. Funnily, it has the same origin in Finnish where you keep people at "smelling distance", because back then the Finns had a larger safety perimeter and distinguished rotten meat smell from forest lurking drunk quite well. Nowadays the smell-skills thing is gone but they still have this ancient reflex of keeping a very large safety perimeter when encountering strangers. Example of Finnish safety-distance :

A Finnish bus-stop. Unfortunately, this picture is not staged...

But on the other hand, I would still recommend short handles. Why ? It's lighter, travel-friendly, and the kinetic energy will be less, the risk of getting stuck in the skull will be lesser (Not every tool has a skull-ejection system like this german zombie-hunting slingshot/hammer !). Of course, in this matter, it will mostly depend on... you. Your arm-strength, your endurance, your ability to aim with a longer tool. Short-handle are usually more precise for who is not an expert.

This is why I would also recommend, before hunting with the Best-Ever Brush-Axe I praise so often, to start billhooking (nothing pervert here) with a simple one-handed billhook, such as this one :

Pikku-Billhook for beginners. Or emergency kill.

You lose the "medium range" but this will oblige you to be careful. If you're not... I'm sorry to say you had nothing to do in this business, but see the bright side, Zombie Hunting in Finland guarantees your family will get a nice personalized card for your cremation, with the "badge of honor" for having tried ! Because who never tries succeeds nothing* :-D

So if you feel strong enough to carry and swing and get back a two-handed axe, fell free, but.... I won't advise you so. Don't be to eager to prove yourself, the best, cleanest kill are with small but efficiently used tools. All you need is skills and experience.

Wait.....

*This quote is attributed to Wolfgang W. Müller, inventor of the "chainsaw-flame-thrower during WW2. I won't present you this tool, it failed. But his sacrifice was not in vain, Frau Müller got his Badge of Honor and used it to finish a ghoul in East-Berlin during the Blockade... but that's another story.

Vintage : Hand-forged Billhook

Today : The ancient class of hand-forged billhook

Pick your choice, hunter.

I was chilling in the medieval market of Turku this Friday, wandering between all these people dressed like in the good old times when zombie hunters were still an elite to be respected, when my attention was suddenly caught by a very familiar item on a blacksmith's table. I went closer, intrigued and excited, only to gaze in awe upon... a real hand-forged ghoul-hunting billhook, shaped in complete respect of the ancient tradition ! You can't imagine my joy discovering that this arcane handcraft survived and questioned the blacksmith. With subtle riddles and secret signs he made very clear he was one of us (hammer on necklace, sharp tools all around, Elder Sign tattooed on the arm : He clearly knew how to face the unspeakable) and once trust had been gained I could have a closer look at his marvelous pieces of art.

Vintage Tools, this blog is becoming hipster.

Two models were displayed, reproducing tools from two distinct eras of zombie hunting. The elder model is the first Ghoul-Hunting Billhook shape recorded in the annals of the Karelian Historical Society for Ghoul Slaying (Yeah, "slaying" was the old term, we changed it to be more "social" and "sportive"... and not sound like mass-killers. Some people even would like to change it into "Zombie-Challenging" but that's over-politically correct. "Zombie-Preventing" perhaps ? Don't you "pssss" me, I'm still looking for better ideas !). It has the concept of short handle with a medium-length blade and - hence the name - a hook (duh). But notice how these two components are distinct : Hook on one side, blade on the other. It has been hypothesized that it was in order to accomplish a very cool efficient technique involving a back and forth movement allowing the hunter to fight in very close-combat, in the middle of a ghoul pack. Like a blady-pointy bitch-slap.

However, the model evolved with the fusion of the blade and the hook to reach the shape popularized by Fiskars we all know (and use) today.

Othal : The only Seal of Quality you need.

Notice the runic hallmark of this Artist of Iron, for those who doubted my revelations about the pagan roots of ghoul hunting.

Well, hammers were worn around many blacksmiths' necks, I think that makes it clear. What, can't you see the correlation ?

Jokes apart, I really recommend those who can meet him on this kind of events to greet the man and watch him do his work in the ancient ways :

Yeah, this little piece of metal will, somehow, become a ghoul-hunting tool, I swear.

And for all the brutes here around, NO, the anvil is NOT an option.

If you want to know more about this very sympathetic Tool-Provider, why don't you just visit his website www.takomoalkutuli.fi ? (well, perhaps because you don't speak Finnish... still, click around and you will see lots of cool things, and if you want something, just ask him, he's very open and nice. And knows why we need more billhooks.)

Our blacksmith displays a very cool zombie hunting tool. And a billhook.

Tool Misconceptions : Sledge hammer & Pickaxe

There is a common misconception among casual Zombie Hunters : The bigger the tool, the better the hunt.

WRONG ! DEAD WRONG ! LIVING DEAD WRONG, even ! (Yes, I really can't insist enough on this)

As an example for this little explanation, I will use a tool I haven't shown yet because of its very inefficiency : The sledge hammer.

Yeah, yeah, like a brute.

Yes, a sledge-hammer is big. And heavy. And you probably think that you will fight the Z-Plague like a boss, as Badass as, say, this :

Totally you facing the hordes of the Living Dead. (Except for the dying part because short-range fight sucks, of course)

So can it be a better tool to crush the heads of the Living Dead ? Well, yes, plenty. Almost all of them. A sledge-hammer to kill ghouls is like using a Humvee to go buy some cider at the next door's Alepa. It's pretentious over ridicule. By the way, if you're looking to compensate something with ghoul hunting, you're in the wrong hobby ( Yeah, no guns, no over-sized tool, no chainsaws... welcome to the real world, jackass)

A sledge-hammer is not heavy, it's far, far too heavy. Except if you are a well trained athlete brute or Mighty Ukko himself, I doubt you will wave around a 5 to 9 kilos mass more than a couple of times before your arms send you a nervous message roughly translated as "Go to Hel, asshole !". If you don't actually brake a bone in holding it to strike.

Oh, and you'll also have to aim this 9 kilos-heavy hammer towards the head of the moving ghoul. Repeatedly. When you think you will look like this :

 You will, in fact, look like this :

(But don't worry about your sole manliness, it can also happen to the best)

(But please do worry about being eaten alive)

And if you miss your target, how good are you at lifting it again before the walking corpse grabs you and snacks ? Remember that in Zombie Hunting your opponents are rarely impressed by the size of your weapon. As for the over-size of your manly muscles, for them it just makes the difference between having two chicken wings or a beef-steak for dinner. Think about it.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck !

Same goes, of course, for other heavy tools such as the pickaxe. Heavy and difficult to aim (it's not really balanced for something else than hitting the ground. A unconvenient finishing tool, perhaps ?) You think you'll look like this :

"YYYAAAARRR !!" aka, "Did you notice my pointless show-off ?"

And you end up like that :

Final report : Got two ghouls neutralized and a lumbago.

The Hoe

Today : The Hoe.

"In the beginning there was the swamp, the hoe - and Jussi killing ghouls." Väinö Linna, Under the North Star, uncensored edition.

The Hoe is a very common gardening tool, therefore easy to find in any mökki, shed, garden cabin, barn, Clas Ohlson. A simple look at it will reveal its great appeal for a zombie hunter : The blade, firstly. Not as heavy and strong as an axe, perhaps, but can be equally sharpened and benefits from its light weight. Convenient to take by your side in a fight, you won't tire too easily. Beware, nevertheless : The blade is perpendicular to you and may possibly curves towards you, making it sometimes difficult to extract from the skull if you strike to strongly and vertically. Use the blade to crush but don't abuse of your muscle-power because once again : this is no axe !

So why recommend this tool if it can be tricky ? Because the hoe can be very nice to chop the lower-jaw apart while keeping a safe distance from the ghoul, preventing it from biting before you finish it. A lateral swing hitting at the mandible level should do the trick. Now, at last, the curved blade works at your advantage as it pulls the jaw away as you swing further ! (Tip of the day : the more rotten the ghoul, the more efficient this technique will prove itself ! Beware fluids.)

And it's a very light tool, that even exist in travel/pocket version ! If you have to take care of a few isolated ghouls, go with the double-handed hoe : It's fast, not too tiring but still a bit demanding... Greatly replaces morning yoga to keep fit and lower down your cholesterol.

But if the horde you're going to face may drive you to close combat, then the single-handed hoe will allow you a better freedom of movement, more elaborate choreography - don't forget classy posture after the kill - and avoid the clumsiness of an almost one-meter long handle in a relatively small hunt-area (Inside the mökki, inside the boat, inside the horde...)

Hammer and blade in one, small tool. You can now hunt mushrooms in total safety.

I would like to conclude with a word about the tool's head. Be aware that some hoes have only a blade, but others are equipped with additional hunting potential. My demonstration model, for instance, has its blade balanced with a hammer-type of head (Zombie Hunters like hammers, remember ?) But I could also recommend, not with a hint of delight, this awesome ancient Rome model (told you the tradition was old): The Axe-Hoe. Double the blade, double the kill.

The fabulous Axe-Hoe of the Roman Legion. Want to buy it ?

Today : The Ice Skates

Today, we are talking about a very common fortune tool. Not the best for attack, but a pretty handy defensive tool. One or two-handed, it gives you a sharp advantage in close combat. The blade of an ice-skate is really multitasks, and solid enough to get out of a bad encounter (beware : bashing skulls may definitely impair the shoe part and deform the blade... remember to switch ice-skates regularly in prolonged struggle)

Stolen from the Internet.

The blade can slice, of course, but the tail is a good crusher (especially for the infamous Nut Cracker technique), and the drag pick can also be very helpful in bashing a head or, at least, rip the jaw apart. This "preventive technique" will be developed later here.

Two sharp blades for slicing and crushing.

You may find these tools in many situation, but most likely while you experience an outbreak in a ice-skating location (stadium, open-air frozen sports-ground typical in Finland, and so on). These places will be crowded with young people, unfortunately possibly infected young people.

That's sad and all, of course.

But see the bright side !! The human skull's different plates are fully fused together only around mid 20's ! So if the ghoul you're fighting is a youngster, or even better, a kid, remember that the sutures of the skulls are still a bit weak ! (Weak-spots. You're aiming at them, in the first place. Always)

Classy breathing leather keeps your hands dry despite effort.

The Emergency Hammer

Thanks to Toni Haapamäki for getting in front of the camera with me. I feel less lonely all of a sudden !

I mean... you see, faithful readers, I'm not alone in that business, see, see, proof here !

The Golf Club

Today : The Golf Club

Thanks to this tool, Zombie Hunting may at last be recognized as a sport. Possibly Olympic.

The Golf Club drastically improves composure.

Another classic, but this time, that deserves its hype. In the world of the modern zombie hunters, and contrary to the Axe, the Golf Club is not a hipster : It was deadly before it was cool. But how cool, still ! Elegant and classy, the Golf Club is the weapon of the Sir, the Dandy Hunter as well as the First Class Awesome Badass. It is light, solid as hell, it swings gently to any ghoul's skull with the exquisite aerial feeling of an artist painting a masterpiece. And above all : It is precise ! Contrary to the Baseball Bat, a rudimentary stick of wood that distinguish itself from Neanderthal's cudgel only by its insane overprice, the Golf Club is a beautiful piece of strong metal with a tiny but reliably solid head, able to smash with ease the ugly face of this Walker scaring your friends. Yes, tip of the day : When you force a nose inside a face, you damage the brain.
 :-)

WHOOSH. What a feeling.

The Golf Club is arguably the most marvelous weapon of all, for a fun-hunt, a recon, a loot-the-K-Market-mission, or even a garden cleansing when wild zombies appear during the night.

It is not perfect, though. Well, chrome metal looks cool, but it's shiny. If the weather is good, reflection of the sunshine may alert other ghouls of your presence. You can of course cover your Golf Club in shoe-polish, like a sniper. Fortunately I don't need that very often, I hunt in Finland.




Warning : The over-confidence that this excellent tool can bring to you must not be neglected. You might get the feeling that this weapon does almost not need you to do the job, but remember this : Golf Club only generates a deep self-impression of badassery. Not badassery.

 

But, hell yeah, it does provide charisma.

The Double-handed Axe

Today : The Double-handed Axe

Show-off time !

On the photo album that gave the initial idea of this little blog, people were praising the axe as the weapon of choice against zombies. Well, it certainly has a primal appeal, I can't deny it, but it also is obviously overrated.

This axe has several strong weaknesses. It's heavy and unbalanced. It will tire your arm very quickly (anybody used to chop logs knows what I mean). Therefore, you will have to use a lot of energy killing the ghouls, and that's not the only bad consequence... The Axe has a heavy head that, with the kinetic energy you have to use, will literally bury itself in the skull. Good luck getting it out !

If you see what I mean ?

For my family, for my clan, for my cave.

Nevertheless, the axe remains popular among amateurs and "watchers". It's so brutal, primal, it evokes immediately our ancestors' past, living in caves, hunting in packs and eating mammoths. It's bestially groovy. It awakens the barbarian in you (or the psycho). It's, I admit, really cool. But then again, it's a show-off weapon. You don't really kill a lot of ghouls with it, you impress people telling them how you COULD use it in a savage hunt. When in fact, this is a bit like Tony Stark's favorite weapon, the one you use only once. Before having to run because damn, it won't pop out.

The Billhook

Today : The Billhook (aka Brush-Axe)

THIS is the stuff I'm talking about.

Let's speak frankly, this is one of my favorite tools. The convenience of the machete associated to the the hook of the sickle, and the most appreciated double-handed grip. What's to wish more than that ? It's light, it's sharp, it can cut or pierce, and it's awesome. The coolness of the Billhook is so intense that the sole fact of grabbing it will give you the will of swinging it and slice something. Believe me, try it. Let your fingers slowly take the handle in their grasps, and shivers will definitely ensue. It's physical. This tool is to any proper Zombie Hunter what a nude pair of legs is to a single youngster. You see it, you grab it.

You will love this tool for many reasons, here are some of them :

The lightness for an economy of energy and increasing efficiency.

The comfort of the double-handed grip.

The natural feeling of the swinging.

Allows classy postures after the Kill.

A new and intense stage in your relationship with sharp things.

 And the most important :

Made in Finland. It can't be bad.

I have to be honest and, of course, evoke the little downsides of this wonderful attack weapon. Like almost all blades, it can be stuck in the skull if you go a bit to hard in the action. But this is where the Billhook wins the Machete : You can use the hook to pierce without having to completely bury your blade in the head of your prey. Second fairly negligible downside : It isn't close contact, but almost. You have to get some experience first before going for this awesomeness. But then again, the double-handed grip also allows you to have the efficiency of a close-combat weapon with the possibility of extending your range for a reasonable safety distance. And if you slice the arms off with a cool Obi-Wan swinging first, not only will you avoid being grabbed, but you will look amazing.

And seriously, if you're not up for some life-risking challenges from time to time, why are you interested in this hobby, uh ? Don't be a sissy, grab your Billhook...

... AND LET THEM COME !

The Shovel

Today : The shovel 

Zombie Outbreak : The time where the one that holds the shovel is not the one to be screwed anymore.

 One of the classics, for many reasons. It's a multiple function tool, it can cut, slam, swing, and after the job is done, you can just dig the hole where you can bury (if discrete) or burn (if safe) the remains of the ghoul. Isn't that perfect ? It can therefore be an offensive and defensive weapon, as well as a Finishing Tool and a Cleaning Tool.



Of course, it all depends on the shovel. Needless to say that plastic shovel are hardly recommended, or that a heavy one would be difficult to carry around as an weapon. Depending on the use you intend to apply to it, choose your model wisely. Do you want to attack ? Then a heavy one is probably better, since you're not going to go rampage an entire horde by yourself. Or... are you ?.... It's huge, heavy, totally splattering around. Please protect your eyes while having fun with this one. Do you intend to defend ? Then a small, square one (like this little army shovel) may be a better choice, since it's light, it will not tire you too fast, and who knows how long you're going to have to swing it like a loony ? This model can also be used in patrolling and scouting, but for these  kinds of nice family trips I will soon recommend a far better option.

The hereby presented model is a heavy, round shovel. The grip is in triangle, for an optimal use in all different situations, may it be slaying or burying. Well balanced and comfy, an excellent choice !

As a Finishing Tool it offers a large panel of moves. Do you want to slice the brain out ? Crush the skull ? Cut the head off and expose it on your fireplace (remember, TV will probably stop broadcasting, time to think about an alternative brainless thing to watch) ? Do as you please !  But once again, beware of projections, the worst enemy of the shovel-user. Living Dead carries an infectious disease, and in this case, sharing does not really means caring.

Tip of the day : Slamming once may not suffice. Repeat gesture till brain is clearly visible.

Tip of the day : Sharp edge means effortless slicing.

I would like to remember you as well not to forget to clean the tool when you're done. Rust and infectious diseases such as zombie-virus are not recommended to you and your weapon. Well, let's be honest, the shovel does not give a crap about the disease. What about you ?

And here a sneak peak into the next tool's review, combined with today's shovel !

The Ice Auger

Today : The Ice Auger

For people not familiar with this tool - perhaps your sea does not freeze in the winter ? - This is a very handy invention allowing you to easily fore a hole in the ice and fish like a boss, for example. It's basically a drill, with a convenient grip that doesn't require to much body energy and, since it's not motorized, it's silent and relatively light (well, no gas-tank). In our survival times, the Ice Auger will be around, since it's an essential tool to provide your community some food in the winter. It is likely that during an zombie outbreak, Alepa will be closed.

Well, I know what you are going to say : THIS is NOT a very useful / handy / convenient weapon. At best you can swing it and crush a skull like you would do with any metal bar.

My friend, be more imaginative.

Like the Ice-Saw, the Auger is a defensive weapon, and you're not supposed to attack any ghoul with it (Of course, when no choice....) So what can we do with it ?

Keep them at distance ! The two handed grip is very, very comfortable and allows you to hold it horizontally with ease. Contrary to the Ice-Saw, this grip is not the drill itself, therefore you can retain a lot of pressure and push forward without slipping. Let them come ! They can try to force towards you, YOU are the one in control ! Also, the spinning blade makes it almost impossible for the living dead to simply let the tool go through him while he keeps walking towards you. You keep him at distance, winning precious time to think of an escape plan, or giving people time to flee / help you.

This allows you to play tactic.

Imagine you are attacked during some Mökki vacation. There is one door, and they are soon going to break it. The Ice Auger is your friend ! Wait for the door to open, impale the first one, he can't move forward, and if you drill him a bit, he's completely stuck ! You can use the ghoul itself to block the way, while the others have time to escape or grab other tools. This is a lot of fun as well, never underestimate the psychological factor on your fellow-survivors as they get a good laugh with a stuck ghoul. LOL.

Of course, the usefulness of this weapon depends on several factors : You shouldn't be alone, you shouldn't be surrounded outside, and in the door blocking situation, it shouldn't be too much of them pushing. But keep in mind that this weapon is only meant to win some time at low risk ! Stay safe while thinking of a real plan, instead of frenziedly looking for an axe while they are still walking, still walking, still walking.

I would like to conclude on a personal appreciation, being that the Ice Auger also is a very, very funny and efficient Finishing Tool (see picture).

The Ice Saw

Today : The Ice-Saw

The Ice Saw isn't what you could call a very handy weapon. It's pretty heavy, not well balanced, the grip is sloppy. But does that make it a bad tool ? No. In fact, it's even a nice one when it comes to making a hit from above. You can easily pike a Floating One from a bridge, a pontoon, a rock, a car-roof, a roof, a pile of bodies. Stay safe on the high-ground while piercing the skull of the ghoul(s), or swing it to rip some heads off ! Try it, you will not be disappointed.

Notice how the notches of the blade are long and pointy. Ripping-off heads doesn't look so hard anymore, eh ? The length also allows a nice sliding forward :

Of course, this is not an offensive weapon. It's clearly a defensive weapon. The grip, I already told, isn't great and I definitely recommend wearing gloves. Especially in the winter, one does rarely appreciate having his skin gluing to frozen metal. But the most problematic issue of this model is the mechanism to fold away the blade was a bit sensitive and therefore the blade tend to be... not quite straight at all time and closes when you're not really wanting it to close... By that I mean "Niahahaha, take thatOHDAMNMYHAND!!!" Check your own model to avoid cutting your finger stupidly like a noob.

Concrete example of Floating Ones hunting. Or should I say fishing... ?